Why the iPhone sucks... and why I still want one!

With the release of the iPhone 3G S came a frenzy of advertisements telling me how much easier my life would be if I had one... but I could not help but think of reasons why it has still not fulfilled my expectations.

Reason 1: There has been news from multiple sources stating that the iPhone 3G S has a problem with the battery "overheating." Apparently "overheating" is a new word that can be interchanged with "so damn hot I dont even want to touch it or put it anywhere near my face." And yes that is what she said. I dont know how widespread this problem is, but worst case scenario Apple can just create an app called hot potato, charge you $1.99 for it, and run with it.

Reason 2: Although the OS 3.0 for the iPhone is capable of MMS, AT&T's network is not yet ready to provide the iPhone with MMS. This resulted in one of the most EPIC FAILS of our time. Imagine you are making out with this girl, and then find out that she is your cousin while you have your hands all over her goodies... now imagine almost 14 million people know about it. There are multiple problems with this: A. I had a phone 3 years before the iPhone came out that had MMS support. B. The iPhone was suposed to be "the most advanced phone ever," so why leave out something all other cell phones could do? C. If I had one how is my girlfriend supposed to send me dirty pictures? D. How am I supposed to respond with dirty pictures to my girlfriend.?

Reason 3: For the insane amount of 30 dollars a month for unlimited internet you should be able to tether your iPhone to your computer to use the internet for your laptop, or macbook, or whatever the hell tickles your fancy. This is technology that has been in smartphones for years and is used quite often by business users or hackers trying to rip someone off or look at porn on an actual internet browser, rather than on a tiny smudged screen covered in fast food grease.

Reason 4: Like reason 3, the monthly cost of having one is too damn expensive. Economists speculate that the iPhone 4G will actually require the life of your first born child to be activated, which isnt much more than they are asking now. For the least amount of minutes, unlimited messaging, and unlimited web you are required to pay 90 a month not including tax. 90 x 24 months of a 2 year contract, plus 36 dollar activation fee, plus 199 for the phone brings us to 2395 dollars over 2 years not including tax. Assuming that most of the people are NOT professionals using their phone for business purposes I estimate that at least 75% of iPhone users wasted almost 2500 dollars to use their phone only to check their facebook, update their twitter, or be a creeper on myspace.

Reason 5: I am going to be blunt here... It is an Apple product. I love Apple products, but I do not love the way Apple has become a following. I have been to the Apple store 3 times to ask the same question, and everytime the person told me "Ohhhh man... Im new... I just started working here so I don't know..." WTF IS THAT SHIT?!? Plus I hate seeing the employees walking around the store in tight pants, neon colored shirts, and with a dumb smile on their face. I am tired of those dirty Apple hippies asking me if I need help... I know that the only answers they can give me are from information fliers set up near every product... so why even have employees? People believe that Apple truly cares about them, and this almost makes me feel bad for these people... but then I remember how stupid they are and why I am not friends with them. What people forget is that this is America. Capitalism at it's finest. Apple doesnt give a rat's ass about you... they want to make money. Thats what they do, and Apple does it well. Think about how many iPods have come out since you got yours. If the answer is none read this again in 6 months and your iPod will be shitty by then. The recent line of Macbooks has changed in the course of one semester, leaving those who bought new computers last Christmas in the dust. Think about how many people ditched their not even a year old iPhone 3G for a 3G S... how many people jacked off to the upcomming firmware updates for the iPhone... But hey Apple fanboy, you are obsessed with a company that makes you feel unique! Just like everyone else.

Reason 6: Contrary to popular belief, the iPhone will not get me laid or make me any better in bed. I think not having one shows girls I have better things to spend my money on (i.e. them). I would suggest buying a dog with the money. Girls love guys with dogs. It will last longer and definitely get you more ass than any sort of phone.

Reason 7: It doesn't come in lime green.

And yeah... After all of that I still want one. It is the closest thing to phone perfection out there. The second it comes in lime green I am all over that shit.